INFJ Door Slam: Causes, Stages, & Tips
by Lisa Sparrow
Although all personality types can cut people out of their lives, this act is largely associated with INFJs.
That’s because INFJs are fiercely loyal, but nearly all of them have had to entirely break off close connections at least once in their lives.
This phenomenon in fact is so prevalent among INFJs that it even has its own name: the INFJ door slam.
If you aren’t sure what the INFJ door slam is, why it happens, and whether it can be avoided, we’ve got you covered!
In this article, we will explore the INFJ door slam through and through, including:
- What Is the INFJ Door Slam?
- What Does the INFJ Door Slam Look Like?
- What Causes the INFJ Door Slam?
- 5 Stages of the INFJ Door Slam
- 3 Recovery Tips
What Is the INFJ Door Slam?
The INFJ door slam is simply the phenomenon where an INFJ completely breaks off all contact with someone and cuts them out of their life.
An INFJ can slam the door on a friend, family member, colleague, neighbor, or generally any person in their life that they can’t be around anymore.
Essentially, the INFJ door slam is an act of self-protection that usually happens when INFJs are deeply hurt, especially by people they care about. In most cases, the INFJ door slam is permanent.
In some cases where a complete INFJ door slam is impossible (e.g. with colleagues and family members), an INFJ might choose to keep a minimum level of contact. Still, they disengage emotionally and only interact with that person to avoid too much discomfort.
In extreme situations, INFJs choose to slam the door as it brings specific benefits to them, such as:
- The ability to avoid further pain, stress, and trauma
- A sense of control over an emotionally damaging situation
- A sense of relief
That said, although the INFJ door slam can be beneficial to INFJs, it also has some downsides you should know about, including:
- Causes severe heartbreak
- Can feel disrespectful and unexpected to other people, as it is a type of ghosting
- Insecurity in future friendships and relationships
What Does the INFJ Door Slam Look Like?
If you’re on the receiving end of the INFJ door slam, as the name suggests, it feels as if someone is slamming the door shut right in your face. It’s painful and can leave you feeling helpless.
Especially if you lack emotional intelligence or have trouble reading and understanding social cues, the INFJ door slam can feel unexpected and shocking.
You may not know what happened and why, but reflecting on some of your last conversations can give you all the answers you need.
The most painful part, however, is that the INFJ door slam often permanently affects your relationship or friendship with an INFJ.
INFJs are extremely loyal, compassionate, and dependable. However, when an INFJ slams the door, they become completely absent from your life.
You won’t see the INFJ who door slammed you around the same places you used to meet and you won’t find them on social media. Generally speaking, it feels as if they’ve just vanished.
As cold as it may seem, however, INFJs also have a hard time dealing with the INFJ door slam. As loyal people that hope to build connections that last a lifetime, INFJs are devastated when they have no option but to slam the door.
Whether you’re an INFJ or someone who knows is, the INFJ door slam often leaves you with an inner void.
It really isn’t much different than when a close person passes away. Because of this, it’s important to give yourself time to grieve, no matter which at end of the INFJ door slam you happen to be on.
What Causes the INFJ Door Slam?
The INFJ door slam can sound cruel, but in most cases, it’s only the outcome of a long period of stress and pain that an INFJ had to endure.
That said, unhealthy INFJs are much quicker to slam the door over any small inconvenience because of their hypersensitivity.
In most cases, however, INFJ door slam is completely justified as a form of self-protection.
Knowing what causes the INFJ door slam is one of the best ways to prevent it from happening, so here are the main reasons behind the INFJ door slam:
- Loss of trust. INFJs crave deep and meaningful relationships based on trust and loyalty. However, if you break their trust, especially several times, they might have no other option except for the INFJ door slam.
- Ongoing suffering. INFJs can be incredibly patient. Nonetheless, they will not put up with toxic and abusive behavior if they see it’s not changing.
- Feelings of abandonment. INFJs are very generous people, which is why some people take advantage of them or take them for granted. This can leave INFJs extremely hurt and lead them to feel abandoned, which is why they might decide to slam the door.
- Feeling misunderstood. One of the greatest INFJ strengths is compassion and unconditional understanding. However, if they don’t get it in return, it can lead to the INFJ door slam, as INFJs don’t want to enable one-sided relationships.
In short, INFJs only slam the door when they feel like your behavior isn’t fair, or healthy, and brings them more harm than good.
5 Stages of the INFJ Door Slam
Contrary to what most people think, the INFJ door slam doesn’t just happen all of a sudden once INFJs lose their patience.
Although the INFJ door slam can feel very unexpected, it is in fact a gradual process that can be summarized in the following 5 INFJ door slam stages:
#1. Recognizing Toxic Behavior
As with most problems, the first step involves recognizing that something is wrong.
However, INFJs can be so focused on other people that they don’t even notice when they’re being mistreated.
Nonetheless, if people use their kindness for too long, eventually any INFJ will realize it. This is where the gradual process of the INFJ door slam starts.
#2. Trying to Fix the Situation
Once INFJs realize that another person is being toxic, abusive, or otherwise doesn’t treat them well, they won’t immediately slam the door.
On the contrary, INFJs will likely take initiative to fix the situation, even if they think that you are the problem. They might reach out, express their feelings and emotions, and even offer possible solutions.
All of this isn’t easy for the INFJ personality, as they’re very private and avoid any sort of conflict or confrontation. Still, they will do whatever is in their power to fix the relationship.
If the other person reciprocates, admits their faults, and is eager to make changes, there is no reason for the INFJ to slam the door. They will simply work on improving the connection and remain as loyal as ever.
If, however, the person doesn’t recognize the problem or refuses to change, the INFJ door slam process continues onto step #3.
#3. Avoiding the Person
If the other person isn’t willing to compromise, the INFJ will do their best to avoid them as much as possible.
They will limit any contact to a minimum, stop reaching out, won’t offer any help, and so on.
INFJs don’t do this to punish the person. Instead, most INFJs regard this as a quiet protest: if you aren’t willing to cooperate, neither am I. This way, INFJs try to reinforce boundaries in the relationship.
If the person doesn’t show any wish to change and keep working on the connection, INFJs will slam the door on them.
If, however, the person realizes that they want to fix the situation, INFJs will happily give them the last chance.
#4. Giving the Last Chance
INFJs are soft-hearted people. They value harmony in relationships and want to make them work, even if that means giving the person one last chance.
To give the last chance, INFJs need to see that the other person is genuinely interested in fixing the relationship. This means they want you to reach out and offer solutions.
In most cases, giving the last chance works in the favor of INFJs and they continue to have a better relationship with the other person, but only if they change the behavior that hurt or disappointed the INFJ.
If the person doesn’t put in the effort or show enough interest in resolving the issue, however, INFJs will slam the door.
#5. Slamming the Door
If all else fails, INFJs will slam the door without looking back.
There are two ways this can happen, depending on whether you or the INFJ in your life are an INFJ-A or INFJ-T subtype:
- INFJ-T and the quiet INFJ door slam. INFJ-T personalities are more likely to slam the door quietly. They will simply remove themselves from your life without letting you know. They will avoid you in person as well as block you on social media.
- INFJ-A and the confrontational door slam. Emotionally burned-out INFJ-As are very likely to make the door slam loud and clear. They might have an emotional outburst, tell you how much you’ve hurt them, and let you know that you’ve crossed all boundaries before moving on with their lives.
3 Tips to Recover After an INFJ Door Slam
Whether you’re the INFJ who slammed the door or the one who experienced the door slam from an INFJ, recovery can be hard and take a long time.
So, here are some tips we’re confident will help you make a faster recovery after an INFJ door slam:
- Allow yourself to grieve. INFJ door slam is basically the same as losing a very close person. As such, allow yourself time to feel all the emotions, heal, and go through all the stages of grief.
- Reflect. Although painful, INFJ door slam is a great learning experience. As an INFJ, you might want to reflect on why you had to slam the door and reconsider the kind of people you surround yourself with. If an INFJ slammed the door on you, consider reflecting on what you could’ve done to prevent it and how you can become a better version of yourself.
- Move on. Once you’ve taken the time to grieve, heal, and reflect, it’s time to move on with your life. Instead of looking back, try to build new, better relationships. Ultimately, it’s best to only hold on to the good memories instead of living in the past, regretting, holding grudges, and losing hope in people.
Can the INFJ Door Slam Be Reversed?
Many people who experience the INFJ door slam wonder if there’s a possibility to have a relationship with an INFJ after they slam the door on them.
While all situations are different and it certainly depends on what caused the INFJ door slam, generally speaking, INFJs don’t look back after slamming the door. They value their dignity and respect themselves, so reaching out to you isn’t an option.
That said, INFJs are generally very understanding people. If INFJs see that you genuinely regret how things turned out and are ready to make the necessary changes, they might give you a second chance.
That said, this will largely depend on how mature the INFJ is. Unhealthy INFJs, for example, can hold a grudge for years, no matter how much you apologize and try to fix things.
How to Avoid the INFJ Door Slam
The INFJ door slam can be emotionally devastating and very difficult to recover from. Luckily, it can be avoided in the first place.
Here are some things you should keep in mind if you want to avoid the INFJ door slam:
- Your behavior matters. The INFJ door slam is typically a result of severe mistreatment that an INFJ experiences. If you’re treating INFJs with respect, empathy, fairness, and understanding, they will never slam the door on you.
- Choose your words wisely. INFJs are highly sensitive people who take your words to heart. Your words and the way you speak can make or break your connection with an INFJ, so make sure to only say what you mean, keep your promises, and let the INFJ in your life know that you value them.
- Reach out. INFJs often end up in one-sided relationships. To make them feel wanted and avoid the INFJ door slam, make sure to regularly reach out. This is especially important when things get shaky, as it shows them that you care.
And that’s everything you need to know about the INFJ door slam.
Hopefully, now that you know what the INFJ door slam is, why it happens, and how to avoid it, you’ll never have to experience it. After all, it’s the last resort that most INFJs consider.
Before you go, here are the key points mentioned in this article:
- The INFJ door slam is an act where INFJs permanently stop all communication with you once they become too hurt and disappointed.
- The INFJ door slam affects the INFJs as much as the other party, as it can be likened to losing someone important.
- Severe mistreatment is the main cause of the INFJ door slam.
- The INFJ door slam happens gradually and can be averted if the other person shows an honest interest to improve the relationship.
- To recover after an INFJ door slam, allow yourself time to grieve, reflect, and move on.
- The INFJ door slam can be reversed if the other person shows genuine remorse and regrets what happened.
- Treating INFJs fairly and reaching out to them are some of the ways you can prevent an INFJ door slam from happening.